


once more with feeling

by xinteng



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: 3k words of hurt, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Time Travel, he'll do anything for him, yixing thinks baekhyun is an angel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-20 18:14:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17027580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xinteng/pseuds/xinteng
Summary: “What if I told you,” Yixing comes over, presses closer to Baekhyun, wants him to wrap his arms around him and comfort him, “what if I told you that I had a superpower?”Baekhyun laughs, the laugh that comes from deep within his chest, his shoulders shaking. “I think you should stop drinking, Yixing. You’re such a lightweight,” and he reaches up to ruffle Yixing’s hair affectionately, fingers sliding comfortably against his scalp.Yixing shivers.“I’m not lying,” he says, somberly. “I can rewind time.”“You’re drunk,” Baekhyun replies.“I can,” he insists, “I’ve been going back and back and back trying to save you- I’ve lost track of which timeline this is—the twentieth, maybe—and I just can’t save you.”“Save me from what?”He looks up at Baekhyun’s patient, waiting face. “From yourself."





	once more with feeling

**Author's Note:**

> there are references to suicide and death, so please don't read this if this is triggering!

         He supposes that he had always known there was something a little different about him. It starts off small—little things that he passed off as inconsequential, insignificant events that he convinced himself were tricks of his own mind.

         It happened when he was emotional, he realized, like the time his mother had scolded him for dropping the bowl, and _blink_ , all of a sudden the bowl was back in his hands, safe, and not smashed upon the floor in smithereens that he could still see in his mind’s eye. Or the time he wandered too far in a store and got lost, only to find himself back by his mother’s side, passing by that oddly posed mannequin he distinctly remembered having walked by five minutes ago.

         As Yixing grew older though, he learned how to control it better, how to keep track of the way time seemed to slip through his hands like water running through the cracks. He finds that it’s easy to visualize time as an _object_ , as little lengths of rope that he simply has to sort through and break. He’s learned though, that he can’t go forwards, can’t magically create time where there is none. He can only go back, unwind the ropes that have been threaded, and live through those moments once more. Yixing knows enough about time travel and paradoxes though, to be careful, utterly aware of the fact that every time he goes back, something shifts in the future, that once he unwinds the coil of time, there is no going back to the present he came from.

         For the most part, Yixing leaves time alone. He sees no point in going back, over and over again, because he knows that he is a perfectionist, and the danger of trapping himself that way—replaying the same moments, over and over again, to try and create the best possible future for himself, is entirely too real. He doesn’t want to live that way. Besides, he sort of thinks it’s cheating. As far as he knows, he’s the only one who has this power, and Yixing doesn’t like to think he’s special.

         And so time passes, untouched.

 

 

❈

 

 

         For Yixing, time stops on a Monday.

         Well, he amends, it doesn’t exactly _stop_. It rewinds, replays, thanks to him, over and over again, because Monday is the day that Yixing learns that Byun Baekhyun is dead.

         Yixing doesn’t know Baekhyun.

         Of course, he knows _of_ Baekhyun, has seen him in a few of his classes—he’s nearly always the last one through the door, and one of the first to leave—but he’s never really spoken to him. He doesn’t know Baekhyun.

         So Yixing doesn’t know why the news of Baekhyun’s death sends a shock through him, like his veins constrict and he can no longer hear anything except for the ringing of his ears and those words, mocking him, rattling around in his brain. _Baekhyun is dead_ , he thinks, and he doesn’t know why he feels like the earth has shifted around him.

         For the first time in years, Yixing loses control of his powers, and he blinks as he sees the professor walk into class again, frown etched onto her face, grief counselors trailing closely behind, and Yixing knows what she’s about to say the moment she opens her mouth.

         “I am sorry to be the one to tell you all today that a classmate of yours has passed away. Byun Baekhyun is no longer with us—” he hears again, and he registers that he must have accidentally let some of the ropes that bind around his hand slip, that he had turned the clock back a few minutes into the past.

         He pauses. Looks down at his hands, then back up at the professor, who’s still speaking and gesturing to the counselors standing behind her. Dimly, he hears the sounds of students crying, but nothing is louder than the rush of blood in his ears.

         He gathers the loops of time, fragile in his hand, winds them back, counts the threads, and lets go.

 

 

❈

 

 

        He wakes up on Monday morning, April 18th, exactly one week before Baekhyun dies.

        The drive to school is agonizingly slow—it feels like there is something weighing on his chest the entire time, and he doesn’t know if it’s anticipation or dread. When he gets to class, he’s relieved to find Baekhyun laughing to the boy next to him— _Park_ _Chanyeol_ , his mind registers, his best friend—and everything is normal, and fine, and for one second, he lets himself relax.

        Takes a deep breath, exhales.

        Over Chanyeol’s shoulder, their eyes meet.

        And all of a sudden, Yixing can’t breathe again.

 

 

❈

 

 

         He doesn’t get the chance to talk to Baekhyun until after class, when Yixing finds him washing his hands in the bathroom. He’s incredibly awkward—he doesn’t quite know what to say, so he mutters a small hello, gracing him with a smile that he knows brings out the deep dimple in his cheek, and washes his hands in the sink next to him.

         “Hi,” Baekhyun replies, eyes curious as they glance over to Yixing, and _god,_ Yixing is embarrassed, because they’ve never talked before besides the rare occasion when they get paired up into group projects, and now there’s this silence that he doesn’t know how to fill.

         But the open honesty in Baekhyun’s eyes convinces him to blurt out, “Look,” and here he pauses before mumbling, “if you ever need anything, or anyone, I’m here.”

         The other boy is taken aback, if the way his head snaps up and his arms cross in front of his chest are any indication. “I—” he falters, “thank you.”

         Yixing nods, turns to grab a paper towel from the dispenser hanging next to his head. “I mean it,” he says, pivoting back around on his heel to look at him. “I know we don’t talk much, but I’ve noticed you in class, so I just want to tell you that if you ever need anything, you can talk to me.”

         Baekhyun says nothing for a moment, and Yixing begins to worry that he’s overstepped. “Thank you,” he says again, finally, and he gives Yixing a smile that makes his eyes crinkle. “I appreciate that. I’d like to get to know you too.”

         He sticks out his hand, and Yixing slips his into Baekhyun’s waiting one.

         They shake, palms pressed up against each other, and Yixing swears he can feel Baekhyun’s warmth travel down his arm and into his body. “See you in class,” he says, and gives him another small smile before turning for the door.

 

 

❈

 

 

 

         For the next week, they talk a little more each day, and Yixing realizes that despite how extroverted Baekhyun seems to be, and how introverted Yixing knows he is, they actually have quite a lot in common. They share a passion for the arts—Baekhyun has quite the voice, Yixing discovers, and Baekhyun says that he has always wanted to learn how to dance, in which Yixing is more than happy to teach.

         They start going to coffee shops after class, ordering the same kind of drinks, and then sneaking into a music room at school where Yixing plays the piano and Baekhyun sings.

         Yixing observes Baekhyun, sees the way his eyes crinkle and exude warmth, and he breathes a little easier at night, thinking that Baekhyun seems happier.

         He’s succeeded, he thinks.

 

 

❈

 

 

         Yixing wakes up on the 25th, chest heavy.

         He doesn’t know what it is, but the ball of dread that threatens to crush him grows and grows, until he barely manages to drag himself into class, glancing frantically around for the small figure that is Byun Baekhyun.

         His eyes pass over people, classmates, once, twice, before he sinks down to the ground in disbelief.

         Baekhyun is still dead.

         Yixing has failed.

         Numbly, he picks at the strings wound across his hand, counts, and closes his eyes.

 

 

❈

 

 

         He replays the week. Baekhyun is bright, cheerful, even, and Yixing learns more about him than he did the previous timeline. It’s odd, really, knowing the answers Baekhyun will give before he even says them, but Baekhyun still manages to shock Yixing into laughing over a new joke, or a silly response. Baekhyun is full of surprises, Yixing decides.

         Seven days pass entirely too quickly.

         Sure, he knows Baekhyun better now, has gained his trust and made him laugh and has supported him, but Yixing still feels hollow, unsure. He doesn’t know if it’s enough.

        He wakes on the 25th, knowing that he has failed once more.   

 

 

❈

 

 

         They meet again in a similar way.

         “Hi,” he greets, and he winces because he still hasn’t quite figured out the best way to approach Baekhyun without sounding awkward.

         Yixing has gone back further, this time, a month, to be precise, because he’s decided that the cause of the trouble he had last time was that he hadn’t had _enough time_. He’s determined to save Baekhyun, this time around, to prove to him that there is so much worth living for, to make him _stay._

They do the same things as the time before—they go to the same coffee shops, have similar conversations, and though Yixing has heard Baekhyun’s opinions on the topics they’re discussing before, he thinks that he could never get tired of his voice. They make music together, Yixing meets Baekhyun’s friends—Chanyeol, Jongdae, Minseok—and Yixing is comfortable, and happy. His mission always rests heavily in the back of his mind, however.

         Baekhyun seems happier, Yixing thinks.

         He fails anyways.

 

 

❈

 

 

         He tries again, and again, and again, sometimes rewinding the same amount of time back because he wants to test a theory—that if he changes this _one thing_ , says _one thing different_ ly, that it’ll be enough and Baekhyun will stay. He always fails though, and Baekhyun always dies, and eventually Yixing is forced to rewind time back further, to give himself more time. More, more, more, he thinks in despair, and it’s almost funny that he has the power to manipulate time at will and yet he can never have enough time to save the one person he has come to care about the most.

 

 

❈

 

 

         In retrospect, it was silly of him to expect so much from the first few encounters. A week—no, not even a month—wasn’t nearly enough time to really know someone, to pull someone back from that brink of desperation. Yixing had been hopelessly naïve, but now he knows better.

 

 

❈

 

 

         It seems like Yixing is destined to see Baekhyun die, every April 25th. He’s tried everything—he’s turned back time further and further, he’s physically _been there_ with Baekhyun, as the clock slips forward from the 24th to the 25th, trying to make sure he doesn’t die, but something always goes wrong and Yixing must eventually leave him and Baekhyun dies anyways.

         He always dies a different way—most of the time it’s suicide, but the times when Yixing has stayed, glued to Baekhyun’s side in an effort to prevent him from being alone, a terrible accident occurs, like a car runs a red light and hits him, or once, when they were mugged and the guy had pulled a knife and Yixing had screamed for him to run but Baekhyun _wouldn’t leave_ —

         Yixing doesn’t like to think about those timelines.

 

 

❈

 

 

         There’s one timeline in which Yixing nearly gives up. He’s angry, hurt, frustrated, that nothing is enough, that _he_ can’t be enough for Baekhyun.

         “Why can’t you trust me?” he finally spits out, one night when Baekhyun is over at his house and they’re arguing about something silly, and _fine_ , maybe he’s had a little too much to drink.

         Baekhyun stills. “What do you mean?”

         “What if I told you,” Yixing comes over, presses closer to Baekhyun, wants him to wrap his arms around him and comfort him, “what if I told you that I had a superpower?”  
         Baekhyun laughs, the laugh that comes from deep within his chest, his shoulders shaking. “I think you should stop drinking, Yixing. You’re such a lightweight,” and he reaches up to ruffle Yixing’s hair affectionately, fingers sliding comfortably against his scalp.

         Yixing shivers.

         “I’m not lying,” he says, somberly. “I can rewind time.”

         “You’re drunk,” Baekhyun replies.

         “I can,” he insists, “I’ve been going back and back and back trying to save you- I’ve lost track of which timeline this is—the twentieth, maybe—and I just can’t save you.”

         “Save me from what?”

  
         He looks up at Baekhyun’s patient, waiting face. “From yourself,” he says, honestly, and he watches as a shadow of something flits across his eyes, and Yixing is too drunk, too tired, to interpret what it means.

         Baekhyun doesn’t reply, and Yixing has no energy left to say anything else, so instead, he curls up next to him on the couch, and falls asleep to the feeling of Baekhyun’s chest rising and falling beneath him, and the next morning, the conversation is forgotten.

         Neither of them bring it up again.

 

 

❈

 

 

          He doesn’t realize that he’s in love with Baekhyun until one timeline when his failure hits him particularly hard. It punches him in the chest, leaving him raw and bloody, and Yixing wants to scream, to collapse, but he can’t. The burden weighs him down, chips away at him, and he is scared, but he can’t say these words stuck in the back of his throat, choking him, to anyone.

         No one will ever understand.

         Not even Baekhyun.

 

 

❈

 

 

         His heart begins to ache, all the time, bruised. Baekhyun smiles at him, laughs at his jokes, winds a hand around his shoulders and each time Yixing feels his heart jump a little, restart weakly, pound painfully against his ribs like it’s trying to escape.

         It’s one of these times when Yixing can’t stand it anymore, can’t stand the way Baekhyun looks at him, fondness exuding off of his body. He kisses him, gathers Baekhyun up close, feels the way Baekhyun pauses, startled, and Yixing is about to pull away, embarrassed at his loss of control, before Baekhyun presses his lips back against his.

         The warmth in his chest swells, threatens to spill over like a tidal wave.

         “I’ve been waiting for you to do that,” Baekhyun grins when they finally pull away from each other.

         Yixing laughs breathlessly, smacks him lightly on his shoulder. “You could’ve done it first,” he reprimands.

         “I wanted to wait for you,” he smiles cheekily, and _god_ , Yixing knows he will never love anyone so much.

 

 

❈

 

 

         His calendar mocks him, that little box of printed letters and numbers staring him in the face, and every part of Yixing dreads that day. The day that determines whether or not he has succeeded. If he is finally enough.

 

 

❈

 

 

         He’s played with time so much that he no longer remembers the original timeline, when he didn’t know Baekhyun. It seems improbable now, that there was a version of Yixing without Baekhyun, that there was a version of Yixing that didn’t know how Baekhyun had a little mole on his thumb or the exact curve of his smile when he smiled at one of Yixing’s stupid jokes, or the way his lips felt against his. How his hair was a _mess_ in the mornings, the way light slanted across his bare-chested form and labeled him an angel, how he liked to come up behind Yixing and wrap his arms around his waist, press his face between Yixing’s scapulae like he couldn’t get close enough to his body.

         Yixing knows Baekhyun, knows him intimately, and yet, he still doesn’t know how to get him to stay.

 

 

❈

 

 

         He begins to forget. Is this the forty-fifth time, or the seventieth? He winds back time so far that he begins to forget his original purpose, forgets that in the end, Baekhyun always dies. He rewinds time, wakes up, meets Baekhyun again, and finds himself wondering why he’s so desperate to save this boy, but then distantly, he remembers soft hands cupping his face and lips pressing against his, and he knows that he must. If there’s anything Yixing has to do, it is to save Baekhyun.

 

 

❈

 

 

         Each timeline is a little different.

         The Baekhyun that Yixing met in the original timeline is no longer the same Baekhyun that Yixing loves now. Sure, there are parts that will always remain the same, like the way Baekhyun clings to people, or how deeply he loves, but there are little things that are different, like his favorite memory, or his opinion on certain topics.

         And although the risks are great _—_ paradoxes and memory loss and infinite time loops, his mind reminds him—he relentlessly, ruthlessly, keeps going, because he feels it in his bones, that he’s getting closer and closer to his goal of convincing Baekhyun to stay, of convincing Baekhyun that he loves him. Just one more time, he tells himself, _one more_.

         He winds, unwinds the loops around his hands, and releases.

 

 

❈

 

 

         There’s something different about tonight, something charged in the air, and Yixing startles as he realizes that it is the night of—

         He doesn’t want to say it, doesn’t even want to _think it_ , but deep down, he knows. Dread settles in his bones, as he thinks about what he—what _they’ve_ been through, in this lifetime, and he closes his eyes, squeezes himself a little tighter against Baekhyun, reminds himself that for now, he is still here, still breathing in his arms, making soft little noises that make Yixing’s heart twinge.

         He doesn’t know what it is, but something feels different this time. For the first time in a long, long time, Yixing allows himself to feel hope.

 

 

❈

 

 

         On April 26th, Yixing wakes up, turns to the side, and his heart is light. Because Baekhyun is there, sleeping still, sheets slipping just under his shoulders, and Yixing thinks it’s oddly appropriate, the way they form little wings just by his scapulae. He reaches over, careful not to wake him, and gently brushes a kiss along his spine, breathing in the simple, clean scent that’s just _Baekhyun_.

         He raises his hands, eyes the ropes still coiled around them, and smiles. For the first time in years, he leaves them be. Baekhyun is alive. Baekhyun has _stayed._

        

 

**Author's Note:**

> this really spilled out of me in a couple hours, but i've been thinking about it for awhile. it's unedited so i apologize if some scenes seem choppy and the ending is a little rushed but i'll probably come back and fix it a little later. thank you for reading!
> 
> come talk to me!  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/staryxz)  
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/yixingzhang)  
> [tumblr](https://dimpledliar.tumblr.com/)


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